Looking for Suggestions

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Looking for Suggestions

Post  R.K. on Thu Jun 24, 2010 7:43 am

So apparently I am a very choppy writer and have a hard time staying focused on what I need to. I've just started a new story and would love any ideas as to how to make it flow best and anything else that needs improvement. Thanks!

LeAna woke in a deep sweat; her long brown hair stuck to her back. Tears rolled her cheeks as her mind reviewed her latest dream. Fifteen years experience still wasn’t enough to help her through the hard ones. She reached for her diary and quill and began writing down all that she could remember. Details, scenery, names, time of the day, anything that would help her find those that were involved. Warn them in some way. Her diary was full of dreams like this spread out over several years. Unlike most Dreamwatchers, LeAna’s dreams were not of a nightly occurrence, nor could she focus them in on anyone she wished. She had attempted to learn; spent years under the care of many tutors each claiming that she just wasn’t trying, she just wasn’t focused. Her father believed her though and finally sent the tutors away. Since that time he had let her do as she thought best. He never argued when she told him she must leave for some time and always had open arms when she came back.

Oh, just thinking of her father made her miss him. It had been at least a year since she had made it back home. Instead she roved the countryside, searching for those from her dreams, hoping to help wherever she could. Normally the dreams would have stopped by now. She was tired and ready for a break, even if it was just a small one. But that rest would have to wait. She closed her eyes and tried to ease her mind back to sleep for just a few more hours.

A loud bang below the stairs woke LeAna with a start. Daylight was just creeping through the windows. She stretched and slowly dragged herself out of bed. Shutting the door behind her she quietly headed downstairs doing her best not to wake the other guests. She made her way through the parlor to the kitchen. Murna stood near the stove smashing a large mound of dough.

“Well it’s about time you chose to wake yourself up. There’s still a lot to do before the rest of the guests can have their breakfast. Why don’t you make yourself useful washing those fruit Dawson brought in over by the sink?”

She immediately did as she was asked and a quiet rhythm soon filled the room. “Murna.” She paused to make sure that she was listening. Murna didn’t look up but slowed her kneading. “Murna, I think it’s about time I move on for a while.” Still her head was down. “ I can finish out the week if you’d like but then I’d best be leaving.” No response. Oh well, at least I tried. She turned back and focused once more on the fruit before her.

“Any idea where you’ll be heading next?”

A smile escaped as she heard her voice, so she does care! “Actually I think I’m going to head towards Groff for now to visit my father for a while.”

“How long has it been since you saw him last?”

“I don’t actually know for sure but I know he worries when I stay away too long.”

“I’ll bet he does. A girl as young as yourself should still be in school not rampaging across the countryside.” She shook her head as she spoke. “I understand you hate sitting still but you can’t save the world all by yourself, you know.”

LeAna stood still. She had listened to this same speech many times before though it was becoming less and less. They all meant well and she knew that had she been in their shoes, she would probably have felt the same. So she listened quietly and made no reply.

“Well, if you could finish helping with the dinner tonight I can get some meals ready for you by tomorrow and get your final wages ready before ya leave.”

“Thank you Murna, you have both been so kind to let me stay as I did. I’m sorry I couldn’t give you more notice.”

“Well, you never have before so why should I expect anything different this time. You may be getting older but you’re still as flighty as a feather. Will nothing ever keep your feet still?”

LeAna shrugged. “Nothing comes to mind at the moment.”

“Well, just know you’re always welcomed anytime you choose to wander this way.” Murna returned her focus back to the dough and pounded it more forcefully than before.
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Re: Looking for Suggestions

Post  Stone on Thu Jun 24, 2010 12:44 pm

LeAna woke in a deep sweat; her long brown hair stuck to her back.-Reword, either have her sit up in bed so that her hair can cling to her back, or have it stuck to her face - Tears rolled down her cheeks as her mind reviewed her latest dream. Fifteen years experience still wasn’t enough to help her through the hard ones.

She reached for her diary and quill and began writing down all that she could remember. Details, scenery, names, time of the day, anything that would help her find those that were involved. Hopefully to (or something) warn them in some way. Her diary was full of dreams like this one, all spread out over several years.

Unlike most Dreamwatchers, LeAna’s dreams were not a nightly occurrence, nor could she focus them in on anyone she wished. She had attempted to learn; spent years under the care of many tutors each claiming that she just wasn’t trying, or focused enough. Her father believed her though and finally sent them away. Since that time he had let her do as she thought best. He never argued when she told him she must leave for some time and always had open arms when she came back.

She let out a sigh. Just thinking of her father made her miss him. It had been at least a year since she had made it back home. Instead she roved the countryside, searching for those from her dreams, hoping to help wherever she could. Normally the dreams would have stopped by now-doesn’t make sense, why?-. She was tired and ready for a break, even if it was just a small one. But that rest would have to wait. She closed her eyes and tried to ease her mind back to sleep for just a few more hours.

A loud bang below the stairs woke LeAna with a start. Daylight was just creeping through the windows as she slowly dragged herself out of bed. Shutting the door behind her she quietly headed downstairs doing her best not to wake the other guests. Softly she made her way through the parlor to the kitchen; Murna stood near the stove smashing a large mound of dough.

“Well it’s about time you chose to wake yourself up. There’s still a lot to do before the rest of the guests can have their breakfast. Why don’t you make yourself useful (and wash, or by washing) washing the fruit Dawson brought in over by the sink?”

She immediately did as she was told (she wasn’t asked) and a quiet rhythm soon filled the room. “Murna.” She paused to make sure the older woman was listening. Murna didn’t look up but slowed her kneading. “Murna, I think it’s about time I move on, for a while.” Her head didn’t move. “ I can finish out the week if you’d like, but then I’d best be leaving.” Still no response. Oh well, at least I tried. She turned back and focused once more on the fruit before her.

“Any idea where you’ll be heading next?”

A smile escaped as she heard her –use different term- voice, so she does care! “Actually I think I’m going to head towards Groff for now to visit my father for a while.”

“How long has it been since you saw him last?”

“I don’t actually know for sure, but I know he worries when I stay away too long.”

“I’ll bet he does. A girl as young as yourself should still be in school! Not rampaging across the countryside.” She shook her head as she spoke. “I understand you hate sitting still, but you can’t save the world all by yourself, you know.”

LeAna stood still -why? I think you need a better description, this sounds like she’s surprised and waiting for something bad to happen- . She had listened to this same speech many times before though it was becoming less and less.-less and less what?- They all (either tell who all is, or put it in italics for emphesis) meant well and she knew that had she been in their shoes, she would probably have felt the same. So she listened quietly and made no reply.

“Well, if you could finish helping with the dinner tonight I can get some meals ready for you by tomorrow and get your final wages ready (use different word) before ya leave.”

“Thank you Murna, you have both been so kind to let me stay as I did –you don’t really need-. I’m sorry I couldn’t give you more notice.”

“Well, you never have before so why should I expect anything different this time. You may be getting older but you’re still as flighty as a feather. Will nothing ever keep your feet still?”

LeAna shrugged. “Nothing comes to mind at the moment.”

“Well, just know you’re always welcomed anytime you choose to wander this way.” Murna returned her focus back to the dough and pounded it more forcefully than before.

----

You need to bring more character into it. Both of them are a little flat. Make them smile, give them more actions. LeAna can shrug while smiling, or frowning.. and it changes the whole scene!

You’ve done great! I can see improvement already. This is a great idea, I like what you have going. Sorry I suck at explaining, like I told you before. Hope I helped a little though.
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